Smart Boy or Stupid Man

I am known for making mistakes. I've made small mistakes and large ones, I've sent wrong information to mass amounts of people, led girls on, wrote on the test square that says "do not write here", and even insulted a person here and there (though hardly on purpose). But many people don't know that I walk tall. I can admit that I've made a mistake; I will hold my head up high, look you in the eyes, and I will tell you "I am wrong, I know it and will do what it takes to fix it."

We can always try to fix something, but it's hard. Sometimes it is too late, its not enough or simply enough the damage is permanent. I know this and try to avoid it when possible, but I tend to fail at that sometimes. I can try to send the correct message, apologize and clarify to girls, erase the pencil in the box and beg for forgiveness from people. I know though that not always the action is enough, you need to have meaning for it or else it is as good as saying or doing nothing. Even with meaning the memory remains; people still feel deceived, the trust is gone, that person has wasted time and you can still see the smudges on the test paper's box.

The problem with people is that, we are all people. We all can rely on never relying on one another. I am not talking about trust, but am talking about never knowing how a person will react and how they will remember the mistake. Will they yell and cry, or will they simply ignore the event, message or smudge. Will people laugh at the memory in the future, or will the remember the feeling of being deceived. Or will it be a mix of any of the choices? or will it be one of the thousands of possibilities that were left unnamed.

Now even before all of this there is the part of one of two; being the smart boy who stands tall or the stupid man who prides himself. Let me start by explaining the two, starting with the boy.
The smart boy is a person who knows the mistake, even if he realizes it too late. The boy will do whatever it takes and whatever possible to fix and correct his errors. The boy knows what he did and stands tall, toe to toe with whomever and will admit his fault. He is neither proud nor disappointed by his mistakes or how he addresses the problem.
The stupid man is a person who commits mistakes regardless of whether or he knows the outcome or repercussions. He not always knows when or if he's committed an error of some sort. When he finally does know he tries to either fix it and prides himself in his effort to correct his wrong, also regardless of whether or not he's truly corrected his wrong. The other is that the man won't fix it but will admit his wrong and will be proud of it. He will be proud of either the mistake or the fact that he admitted it. Either way, he is proud of what he has done.

Now what is your take on this? Are you the boy or the man? Who would you say I am?

Please I want to know your opinions.

Death; My lack of closure.

Closure, It's something I hardly ever achieve, and yet, it is something that always comes hand in hand with death for me. I've never had closure whenever I've had death. It's my curse and I hate it.

My Grandpa died when I was a small child, I was his favorite; I can't remember anything of him but his face and that's because I have a painting of it. I don't have memories, dreams or anything to remember him by, but stories from other people. I don't remember the funeral, I've never been to his grave and as stupid and cliche as it sounds, I never said Goodbye. I was no more than three years old, but I still didn't say goodbye nor will I ever be able to.

After that my Grandmother died in '08. It's recent and I still feel the cold empty feeling I had the day I heard about it. She loved so much my mom once said "There is only one other person who can love you as much as I and that's your grandma", yet I hardly talked to her and never was able to visit her in Mexico. Last time I called her I told her I loved her and that I would visit whenever I got my Visa, that has yet to happen. She died two months after that conversation. I was too busy with 12DP that I wasn't able to take five minutes to call and tell her I loved her. I hated myself so much for that. What hurts the most is the I still can't and haven't been able to visit her grave, I never even knew what she died of or went to the funeral.

When she died I didn't feel too terribly sad or anything at first. My mom said it was because I wasn't close enough to her anymore to really feel the pain. It took me about a week after that I broke down while going to sleep. After that, I felt nothing yet again. Cold and Heartless is how I would've described myself for the next several weeks that passed.

Today (1-20-2009) my uncle was found dead in his home. He drowned or something, no one wants to talk and tell me the details, we loved him all so much. Yet once again I didn't get a chance to tell him goodbye, I hadn't even seen him for what seems like years, and it has been years. He died and I don't really feel anything again and I hate myself for it. I loved him, he was great. I don't want to cry, I don't want support, but I don't want to be alone. I want to talk, but I don't want to talk to people. I feel rattled. I feel angry, sad and indifferent all at once. I can only hope that I make it to his funeral, maybe then I 'll have some sort of closure, even if I didn't get to say goodbye,

That's one thing I envy you Americans for, the ability to go in and out of this country whenever you please. You can go anywhere for a funeral and to visit grandparents and such, but because of the immigration laws I haven't really seen my relatives in over 13 years. I couldn't go to funerals, to say goodbye (or hello for that matter), or just for a friendly visit. You people moan and whine because you have to go visit family, I would kill to be able to visit my family on the holidays; but then again, it's never enough for any of us, huh? I can talk to my uncles via computer, yet I still ask for more. I'm guilty of it too, but whatever.

I'll never have true closure and none of us will ever have enough to be truly be happy.

We're so damn greedy aren't we?