Closure, It's something I hardly ever achieve, and yet, it is something that always comes hand in hand with death for me. I've never had closure whenever I've had death. It's my curse and I hate it.
My Grandpa died when I was a small child, I was his favorite; I can't remember anything of him but his face and that's because I have a painting of it. I don't have memories, dreams or anything to remember him by, but stories from other people. I don't remember the funeral, I've never been to his grave and as stupid and cliche as it sounds, I never said Goodbye. I was no more than three years old, but I still didn't say goodbye nor will I ever be able to.
After that my Grandmother died in '08. It's recent and I still feel the cold empty feeling I had the day I heard about it. She loved so much my mom once said "There is only one other person who can love you as much as I and that's your grandma", yet I hardly talked to her and never was able to visit her in Mexico. Last time I called her I told her I loved her and that I would visit whenever I got my Visa, that has yet to happen. She died two months after that conversation. I was too busy with 12DP that I wasn't able to take five minutes to call and tell her I loved her. I hated myself so much for that. What hurts the most is the I still can't and haven't been able to visit her grave, I never even knew what she died of or went to the funeral.
When she died I didn't feel too terribly sad or anything at first. My mom said it was because I wasn't close enough to her anymore to really feel the pain. It took me about a week after that I broke down while going to sleep. After that, I felt nothing yet again. Cold and Heartless is how I would've described myself for the next several weeks that passed.
Today (1-20-2009) my uncle was found dead in his home. He drowned or something, no one wants to talk and tell me the details, we loved him all so much. Yet once again I didn't get a chance to tell him goodbye, I hadn't even seen him for what seems like years, and it has been years. He died and I don't really feel anything again and I hate myself for it. I loved him, he was great. I don't want to cry, I don't want support, but I don't want to be alone. I want to talk, but I don't want to talk to people. I feel rattled. I feel angry, sad and indifferent all at once. I can only hope that I make it to his funeral, maybe then I 'll have some sort of closure, even if I didn't get to say goodbye,
That's one thing I envy you Americans for, the ability to go in and out of this country whenever you please. You can go anywhere for a funeral and to visit grandparents and such, but because of the immigration laws I haven't really seen my relatives in over 13 years. I couldn't go to funerals, to say goodbye (or hello for that matter), or just for a friendly visit. You people moan and whine because you have to go visit family, I would kill to be able to visit my family on the holidays; but then again, it's never enough for any of us, huh? I can talk to my uncles via computer, yet I still ask for more. I'm guilty of it too, but whatever.
I'll never have true closure and none of us will ever have enough to be truly be happy.
We're so damn greedy aren't we?
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