{This post has a Table of contents... fancy.}
0 - The Prequel
1 - The Root of the Problem
2 - Late Date
3 - And It Hit Me
4 - The Renaissance
5 - The Journal
6 - End Game
So I decided to better myself during this last Holiday season.
Yep.
Wanna know more?
Okay, you got me.
Alright, so I really do wanna better myself, but it's not because of the damn holiday cheer, Its because of God and a Girl. I'll explain, but I do want to point out that I'm not religious, but I do believe in a god... cough cough.
Alright, So I have to start with this from the beginning, and if you've heard this story before, then you're probably gonna get a little more info than previous versions of this story.
#0 - The Prequel.
So this whole story starts out with one happy day of mine. I'm working on some sketches for my figure drawing class (My friend Nick's head studies) and I'm just kinda relaxing and drawing and stuff, and my friends and I decide to move from our couches to some corner of the room. Nothing special. Minutes later this random girl with a Pokemon backpack sits where we were and asks me if she can move some backpacks, I casually reply and say "I don't know whose those are.. Go ahead." She chuckled and continued with her business. I get a bright idea, I ask what her name is and introduce myself. Her name was Jessica. I didn't see her for weeks after that, so I thought nothing of it.
#1 - The Root of the Problem.
So A couple of months (or weeks) ago I had fallen for a girl, but I fell into one of my depression cycles and got all depressed, I didn't want to date, but I hated myself for not wanting to, and I eventually felt like crap, until I saw what things made me insecure and added to my (usually manageable) depression; A lack of: Musical Talent, Money, Physical Looks. Those things kill me (as well as my occasional lack of singing talent).
So, like most people raised in a God loving home, I prayed. I prayed a little, not a lot, in fact I wouldn't say it was praying, it was more like "Damn it god, Why am I fat?". Well, he responded as he often does in mysterious ways, he presented me with an oppor -
[Let me interject here and explain why I'm about to say, "and opportunity". I was watching Evan Almighty and Mr. Freeman/GOD said "When people pray for patience, does he give them patience or give them the opportunity to be patient?". That's why, but in my case, he also gave me a little more.]
- tunity. He presented me Jessica. My friend Mike met her at an Anime Convention and I guess he liked her (don't know, don't care; He later got a girlfriend of his own) and through him I reintroduced myself to this girl. We talked and stuff, that was actually it, there was no stuff, it was just talk. So I asked her out on a date. Well, I invited her to a movie, then I offered to pay, then I made it into a date (it's how I roll).
#2 - A Late Date.
We went on a date that went rather well. Unlike every single other date I've been on, I was actually enjoying myself, not worrying about impressing her or stepping in throw up or wasting time with something to do. It was fun.
[Now another thing about her before I continue is that in a couple of weeks (beginning of January) she's leaving for Florida to do a school work thing as a character actress. Pretty cool, no?]
And afterward it was just talking. We haven't hung out or anything of the like. I even built up the guts to ask if there was a chance to have something serious between the two of us, or if it was just fun friend... ness. She said she didn't know.
#3 - And It Hit Me.
And it hit me, she was my opportunity. Not saying she was sent from god or anything like that, but she was presented to me in such a way. God basically said "you want her, no? well get feeling better about you first. She's leaving for a while, that gives you time to get your shit together. Now do it or don't, its up to you." that's when I kinda went, yeah, Lets not get depressed cause she's leaving and leaving me all lonely here and [insert stupid lover teen depression expression here] stuff!!
#4 - The Renaissance.
So the way I see it, God here has given me 4 months to: Work out, Learn Guitar, Get a better Job and take some vocal lessons. So what are the chances of my doing all this? Not much, in fact I think I'm only going to work out and learn guitar, but its okay, cause the point of this renaissance is for me to feel better about myself; If I don't love me, why would anyone else want to?
#5 - The Journal.
Originally, I was going to keep a blog about it, talking about my progress in fitness, vocal lessons, guitar and jobness, well, I started it and killed it, mostly cause I suck at maintaining blogs, instead I'm keeping a journal. Its originally meant to be my improv journal, but considering all the changes that are happening to me, I think its improtant to keep all this together, even improv is changing and I get the feeling that this is gonna come together (< Beatles reference) at some point in some significant way.
#6 - End Game.
so what's the point and how is Jessica involved in all this? Well, this is mostly for me to feel comfortable, to stop procrastinating, and to be an all around better person. Jessica is my goal, I want a relationship with her, but I don't know how she feels quite yet, but even if she decides to leave it at just friends, I'll be happy. But to restate, she's pretty much my goal and what's keeping me determined to accomplish all these things I want.
Well, that's the story on how I'm going to better myself. Hopefully it works out for the best.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
I Haz Idea
So, I totally got an idea the other day and it just popped back up again.
A Jester's Mini Web Series, now nobody better steal this or there will be blood.
Anyways, I totally thought about doing a short "The Office" style of series about the Jester's Royale, except that each episode is only 5 - 10 minutes long, and each episode (or episodes whichever applies) focuses on a certain Jester and whatever problems or situation they are in that is about the team or improv wise.
It's meant to be funny, so all the problems and such would be predetermined, but the acting would be improvised and such.
I'd love to get a digital camera in order to do this, in fact, I will buy one just for this.
A Jester's Mini Web Series, now nobody better steal this or there will be blood.
Anyways, I totally thought about doing a short "The Office" style of series about the Jester's Royale, except that each episode is only 5 - 10 minutes long, and each episode (or episodes whichever applies) focuses on a certain Jester and whatever problems or situation they are in that is about the team or improv wise.
It's meant to be funny, so all the problems and such would be predetermined, but the acting would be improvised and such.
I'd love to get a digital camera in order to do this, in fact, I will buy one just for this.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Fou Roux
I love you so my love.
The men you lie with
mean nothing to me.
Promise me you'll love me
too. keep this object carefully.
Rachel, it's my ear.
The men you lie with
mean nothing to me.
Promise me you'll love me
too. keep this object carefully.
Rachel, it's my ear.
The Girl
I sat in an empty room
looking only for you.
You never came and I
never waited either,
we hate our love so.
When we first met it
was such bliss. Under
the summer sun and loved
under the winter moon.
We hate our love so.
When you drank tea
and I drank my coffee,
when you worked in the
morning after I got home.
We hate our love so.
Your brunette hair, mine blond.
Your blue eyes, mine brown.
Your pale skin, mine burned.
Your passion, my lust.
We hate our love so.
Now we don't speak and
don't quite agree. You
study your Albert Einstein
and I my Vincent Van Gogh.
We love our hate so.
looking only for you.
You never came and I
never waited either,
we hate our love so.
When we first met it
was such bliss. Under
the summer sun and loved
under the winter moon.
We hate our love so.
When you drank tea
and I drank my coffee,
when you worked in the
morning after I got home.
We hate our love so.
Your brunette hair, mine blond.
Your blue eyes, mine brown.
Your pale skin, mine burned.
Your passion, my lust.
We hate our love so.
Now we don't speak and
don't quite agree. You
study your Albert Einstein
and I my Vincent Van Gogh.
We love our hate so.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
I Promise The Next One Will Be Happier
Do you ever get the urge to start a conversation with a question? or is it a necessity? I ask this because it took me 5 minutes to figure out how to start this blog post. I'm not too used to writing anymore, and I felt it difficult to even start this. I even had a no nonsense title that probably has nothing to do with what I want to write about; Impersonally Honest.
Well, to talk about what I wanted to now. So, today I was reading some blogs that belong to my friends, and I thought to myself "what wonderful writing". Sure these are just posts and not necessarily written to be professional, but they are so honest, I can actually imagine the authors speaking these words, but I realized that I don't post quite enough and one of the reasons is that not may people seem to read this, maybe they do, I don't know. I think I tend to drive them away with my negative posts and pretentiously not-funny jokes (like this entire sentence), yet it seems like that's all I feel. It's not what I want to feel, but it just happens. In fact, I'm just BSing this post and it feels depressing.
So, when I was in Junior High, I had forgotten how to be happy. I was pissed off all the time, sad, failing classes and I even started drinking. I was not a happy person, I had my favorite teacher die several weeks before starting school, I really had no friends to talk to and the one girl I liked saw me as a brother. It's sad and overly dramatic, but this in essence is probably the root of my depression. In High School, or at least my sophomore and junior year, I still felt alone, regardless of the friends that I actually had. I was still failing classes and making very little academic progress, I wasn't as angry, I was sad. Sad and Alone. It still seems dramatic and nobody did this to me, but me. My parents became aware of this and took me to a doctor and I was diagnosed with depression. But I was just a little happier for one reason, Theater.
It seems that Theater saved my life, not so much the art of it, but the person that taught me. Sherry Smith is like a guardian angel to me, I consider her as such. In my sophomore year I sat in the back corner, black hoody on my head and a quiet disposition. She then introduced me to Improv. Still quiet, lonely and not quite fitting in anyplace I did improv and found a naturally talent in it. She taught me more on the subject and I took more classes. I helped and became a thespian, I felt like I belonged finally. I helped tremendously and won several awards, not for my acting ability, but for my contributions to the class. Helping, working with everyone and going out of my way to build and organize things. I was even named Thespian Student of the Year in my Senior year. I was happy, but the whole time, I still felt alone and depressed.
How could I succeed, have fun and be surrounded by people, yet still feel so alone? I had nobody for me to share all this with. Sure, there's your classmates, but it seems like I was just... with them, not a part of them. They were friends, laughing and hanging out, and I just stuck to the side. I had friends, but most of them left, had other friends (which is not a bad thing), had jobs, had lives. I had nothing, but theater. My mother made me very sheltered and in effect left me fairly antisocial, in fact I hold a lot of spite towards my mother for it and that's what drives me to move out.
And even still in College, I still feel alone, yeah I chill with some of my best friends, yet they all still have their lives and problems and other friends and days like today I end up alone and on facebook. I read people's blogs about hanging out with friends, moving on in life and just being awesome, yet I stand still. In college living in high school.
I still live with the stress of depression and a constant fight for me is smoking, I don't yet everyday I wake with the urge to go buy a pack and start puffing away. Sure, by 10 am it's a distant memory, yet to wake up with the urge everyday, it's not a happy thing. I sound yet again, so dramatic. Well to cover the stress and to keep my mind clear of unhappy thoughts I've gotten two jobs, Sears and GameStop, and still not enough sometimes, even with improv. It seems as if Improv is the only time I'm genuinely happy, until recently though. For me the real moment of true happiness is when the team goes to Village Inn. I love it, it makes me feel like I belong, and I don't think anyone really realizes how important this is for me.
The real reason I do anything is because I want to feel like I belong, that feeling is like a drug to me. When people say "I think person A, Person B and Person C and I need to get together for Activity" right in front of me, I feel like crap, I'm not important enough to be included. Thanks for the memories.
Although I'll be terribly honest at the moment, the one thing driving my depression at the moment is that I'm single. There I go being dramatic over a little thing. I feel like I NEED a girlfriend to release to, to hold me and to make her happy so I feel like I belong. It's horrible and selfish. And the worst part is that only one girl will do and she probably doesn't care much for me. Living her own life, having her own friends, living in a place all her own and away from me. I make it sound like she's wrong, yet I am the bad guy in this story, and that doesn't help.
Well That's the end, there's no happy ending to this post (or story (me being overly dramatic, yet again)). I don't have a conclusion at all, its open ended. The reason for this isn't to depress or to be dramatic, but to give a little insight to the inner workings of my emotions. You probably now know more than you wanted.
Well, to talk about what I wanted to now. So, today I was reading some blogs that belong to my friends, and I thought to myself "what wonderful writing". Sure these are just posts and not necessarily written to be professional, but they are so honest, I can actually imagine the authors speaking these words, but I realized that I don't post quite enough and one of the reasons is that not may people seem to read this, maybe they do, I don't know. I think I tend to drive them away with my negative posts and pretentiously not-funny jokes (like this entire sentence), yet it seems like that's all I feel. It's not what I want to feel, but it just happens. In fact, I'm just BSing this post and it feels depressing.
So, when I was in Junior High, I had forgotten how to be happy. I was pissed off all the time, sad, failing classes and I even started drinking. I was not a happy person, I had my favorite teacher die several weeks before starting school, I really had no friends to talk to and the one girl I liked saw me as a brother. It's sad and overly dramatic, but this in essence is probably the root of my depression. In High School, or at least my sophomore and junior year, I still felt alone, regardless of the friends that I actually had. I was still failing classes and making very little academic progress, I wasn't as angry, I was sad. Sad and Alone. It still seems dramatic and nobody did this to me, but me. My parents became aware of this and took me to a doctor and I was diagnosed with depression. But I was just a little happier for one reason, Theater.
It seems that Theater saved my life, not so much the art of it, but the person that taught me. Sherry Smith is like a guardian angel to me, I consider her as such. In my sophomore year I sat in the back corner, black hoody on my head and a quiet disposition. She then introduced me to Improv. Still quiet, lonely and not quite fitting in anyplace I did improv and found a naturally talent in it. She taught me more on the subject and I took more classes. I helped and became a thespian, I felt like I belonged finally. I helped tremendously and won several awards, not for my acting ability, but for my contributions to the class. Helping, working with everyone and going out of my way to build and organize things. I was even named Thespian Student of the Year in my Senior year. I was happy, but the whole time, I still felt alone and depressed.
How could I succeed, have fun and be surrounded by people, yet still feel so alone? I had nobody for me to share all this with. Sure, there's your classmates, but it seems like I was just... with them, not a part of them. They were friends, laughing and hanging out, and I just stuck to the side. I had friends, but most of them left, had other friends (which is not a bad thing), had jobs, had lives. I had nothing, but theater. My mother made me very sheltered and in effect left me fairly antisocial, in fact I hold a lot of spite towards my mother for it and that's what drives me to move out.
And even still in College, I still feel alone, yeah I chill with some of my best friends, yet they all still have their lives and problems and other friends and days like today I end up alone and on facebook. I read people's blogs about hanging out with friends, moving on in life and just being awesome, yet I stand still. In college living in high school.
I still live with the stress of depression and a constant fight for me is smoking, I don't yet everyday I wake with the urge to go buy a pack and start puffing away. Sure, by 10 am it's a distant memory, yet to wake up with the urge everyday, it's not a happy thing. I sound yet again, so dramatic. Well to cover the stress and to keep my mind clear of unhappy thoughts I've gotten two jobs, Sears and GameStop, and still not enough sometimes, even with improv. It seems as if Improv is the only time I'm genuinely happy, until recently though. For me the real moment of true happiness is when the team goes to Village Inn. I love it, it makes me feel like I belong, and I don't think anyone really realizes how important this is for me.
The real reason I do anything is because I want to feel like I belong, that feeling is like a drug to me. When people say "I think person A, Person B and Person C and I need to get together for Activity" right in front of me, I feel like crap, I'm not important enough to be included. Thanks for the memories.
Although I'll be terribly honest at the moment, the one thing driving my depression at the moment is that I'm single. There I go being dramatic over a little thing. I feel like I NEED a girlfriend to release to, to hold me and to make her happy so I feel like I belong. It's horrible and selfish. And the worst part is that only one girl will do and she probably doesn't care much for me. Living her own life, having her own friends, living in a place all her own and away from me. I make it sound like she's wrong, yet I am the bad guy in this story, and that doesn't help.
Well That's the end, there's no happy ending to this post (or story (me being overly dramatic, yet again)). I don't have a conclusion at all, its open ended. The reason for this isn't to depress or to be dramatic, but to give a little insight to the inner workings of my emotions. You probably now know more than you wanted.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Large Update!! [11-1-2009]
Seriously Aldo?
You haven't updated or posted anything since when?
August second?
wow, you a loser.
What have you been doing?
WHAT?
You've been having a life?
Want to fill us in on that?
So these last two or so months have been full of exciting things. Sadly it's been day by day exciting things that I can't quite recall... unless I tried, which I wont. So let's start by taking care of the basics; School, Work and Home.
So I finally got a job after 1 year and a half of searching, after countless applications and resumes delivered, I finally got a job. Magnificent. I was hired by Sears Grand in J.Landing. Not the greatest job, but definitely something. Also, I was just recently hired for a second job, although seasonal, at GameStop. I'd been trying to work there ever since I turned 16, and finally was hired.
After almost 2 years of unemployment and I suddenly find myself with 2 Jobs.
On top of that I'm also a full time student this year, with a total of 5 classes.
So now that we got out of the way let me tell you about my VERY block and set schedule as it has been. So I wake up usually around 6 am to get to my classes at 730 am. After my classes are over I usually get 2 - 3 hours in between then and work usually at 430 and I end up getting home at 10 or 11. So sleep has been harsh and honestly, the lack of it is starting to get to me, but whatever, I still have 2-ish months of school left.
Well working at Sears is a pain most of the time, they constantly pester me to get credit applications, emails and christmas gift cards, and it's been getting quite annoying. I know I can handle it, but it feels like nails on a chalkboard anytime they mention those. I asked to be transfer to a different area since I'm already tired of cashiering.
Working at GameStop? I still couldn't tell you, I've yet to even start training. But know what? I hope they keep after the holidays so I can quit sears. GOD YES! That would be 10 kinds of awesome.
What about classes?
You said you had 5.
Seems like a handful.
Not really?
Lack of homework at times?
My classes haven't really been taking a toll on me yet. Just so you know my classes are PhotoShop, Illustrator, InDesign, Figure Drawing and Printing Fundamentals. My PS and AI classes send me quite a bit of homework with reading, and 3 week projects at a time, and most of the time they pile straight over each other. However, my Drawing class requires I draw a person every week. that gets tough and annoying. I don't much like it, but it has to be done. On the downside, I am behind 2 assignments and everything has been late... AGH!!!
So, tough stuff aside,
how is life?
Dating, Friends and Family?
Any lucky girls?
Dating has been kept to a minimum due to time and money. Even though I have two jobs all the money goes to school and paying my (new) car. I've been hanging out with friends between classes and such, but usually I stay home and work on homework lately, so I've been kinda out of the loop lately, but I don't mind much since all them couples, marriages and babies are getting on my nerves. Not that any of that is a bad thing... I just feel so left behind and alone lately. I hate it. but I deal with it. I'm starting to slink into depression once more, but I've been able to fend that demon away for a while, hopefully I can last until school finishes.
Depression?
That sucks, I hope it gets better.
Talking about "getting",
do you have any plans for the future?
Plans? Girls? Trips? or self enlightening journeys?
Probably no journeys or trips. But definitely some plans. I'm going to start working out you know. Get in shape this whole winter so that come next summer, I'll be ripped, sexy and slim. I'll be more comfortable and active. I'm also going to practice my guitar a HELL of a lot MORE this time around. Making excercise and my guitar part of my routine, no matter the obstacles that may come. I'm also participating in National Novel Writing Month this November (I'm already 2 days behind. Grand.) for some spiritual and creative release. As well as uploading some more art to my Deviant Art account soon. I got big plans.
I've also had a couple of girls in mind as well. I plan on going out on a second date with the girl from my last date, yep. and maybe one or another girl, who knows? Also decided to take a Social Dance Class next semester. I want to take a Capoeira too, but I don't think I'm quite in shape for it.
Wow, Aldo.
You have been busy
and it seems you're going to stay that way!
I hope everything works out.
Same here buddy, same here.
You haven't updated or posted anything since when?
August second?
wow, you a loser.
What have you been doing?
WHAT?
You've been having a life?
Want to fill us in on that?
So these last two or so months have been full of exciting things. Sadly it's been day by day exciting things that I can't quite recall... unless I tried, which I wont. So let's start by taking care of the basics; School, Work and Home.
So I finally got a job after 1 year and a half of searching, after countless applications and resumes delivered, I finally got a job. Magnificent. I was hired by Sears Grand in J.Landing. Not the greatest job, but definitely something. Also, I was just recently hired for a second job, although seasonal, at GameStop. I'd been trying to work there ever since I turned 16, and finally was hired.
After almost 2 years of unemployment and I suddenly find myself with 2 Jobs.
On top of that I'm also a full time student this year, with a total of 5 classes.
So now that we got out of the way let me tell you about my VERY block and set schedule as it has been. So I wake up usually around 6 am to get to my classes at 730 am. After my classes are over I usually get 2 - 3 hours in between then and work usually at 430 and I end up getting home at 10 or 11. So sleep has been harsh and honestly, the lack of it is starting to get to me, but whatever, I still have 2-ish months of school left.
Well working at Sears is a pain most of the time, they constantly pester me to get credit applications, emails and christmas gift cards, and it's been getting quite annoying. I know I can handle it, but it feels like nails on a chalkboard anytime they mention those. I asked to be transfer to a different area since I'm already tired of cashiering.
Working at GameStop? I still couldn't tell you, I've yet to even start training. But know what? I hope they keep after the holidays so I can quit sears. GOD YES! That would be 10 kinds of awesome.
What about classes?
You said you had 5.
Seems like a handful.
Not really?
Lack of homework at times?
My classes haven't really been taking a toll on me yet. Just so you know my classes are PhotoShop, Illustrator, InDesign, Figure Drawing and Printing Fundamentals. My PS and AI classes send me quite a bit of homework with reading, and 3 week projects at a time, and most of the time they pile straight over each other. However, my Drawing class requires I draw a person every week. that gets tough and annoying. I don't much like it, but it has to be done. On the downside, I am behind 2 assignments and everything has been late... AGH!!!
So, tough stuff aside,
how is life?
Dating, Friends and Family?
Any lucky girls?
Dating has been kept to a minimum due to time and money. Even though I have two jobs all the money goes to school and paying my (new) car. I've been hanging out with friends between classes and such, but usually I stay home and work on homework lately, so I've been kinda out of the loop lately, but I don't mind much since all them couples, marriages and babies are getting on my nerves. Not that any of that is a bad thing... I just feel so left behind and alone lately. I hate it. but I deal with it. I'm starting to slink into depression once more, but I've been able to fend that demon away for a while, hopefully I can last until school finishes.
Depression?
That sucks, I hope it gets better.
Talking about "getting",
do you have any plans for the future?
Plans? Girls? Trips? or self enlightening journeys?
Probably no journeys or trips. But definitely some plans. I'm going to start working out you know. Get in shape this whole winter so that come next summer, I'll be ripped, sexy and slim. I'll be more comfortable and active. I'm also going to practice my guitar a HELL of a lot MORE this time around. Making excercise and my guitar part of my routine, no matter the obstacles that may come. I'm also participating in National Novel Writing Month this November (I'm already 2 days behind. Grand.) for some spiritual and creative release. As well as uploading some more art to my Deviant Art account soon. I got big plans.
I've also had a couple of girls in mind as well. I plan on going out on a second date with the girl from my last date, yep. and maybe one or another girl, who knows? Also decided to take a Social Dance Class next semester. I want to take a Capoeira too, but I don't think I'm quite in shape for it.
Wow, Aldo.
You have been busy
and it seems you're going to stay that way!
I hope everything works out.
Same here buddy, same here.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Date? Aldo? Seriously.
So, I went on a date. It was cool.
I told her I didn't want to call it a Date, since everything goes wrong everytime I go on one.
I step in vomit, I'm late, I get lost, I get in trouble, People slap me, or it just goes wrong.
It didn't this time around.
I was early to everything.
early to her house.
early to the movie.
early to the Theater (even though I told myself I wouldn't go there).
I hate early, Its not bad, it's just awkward.
I don't like early awkward.
Overall it was fun.
Dance Dance Revolution and Skee Ball was involved.
Public Enemies was awesome.
There was no hand holding, no arm around, no kissing.
Just a simple hug at the end.
It was ... good, very casual.
I kinda wanted more ... better this way I guess, lol?
Woke up with a cold the day after, she gave it to me, after I'd given it to her.
Lol.
My Contact almost fell out too.
I told her I didn't want to call it a Date, since everything goes wrong everytime I go on one.
I step in vomit, I'm late, I get lost, I get in trouble, People slap me, or it just goes wrong.
It didn't this time around.
I was early to everything.
early to her house.
early to the movie.
early to the Theater (even though I told myself I wouldn't go there).
I hate early, Its not bad, it's just awkward.
I don't like early awkward.
Overall it was fun.
Dance Dance Revolution and Skee Ball was involved.
Public Enemies was awesome.
There was no hand holding, no arm around, no kissing.
Just a simple hug at the end.
It was ... good, very casual.
I kinda wanted more ... better this way I guess, lol?
Woke up with a cold the day after, she gave it to me, after I'd given it to her.
Lol.
My Contact almost fell out too.
Lagoon
So last month, Jester's planned another sort of WiP Trip, but rather than a trip to Moab, we decided to keep it in the budget and decided to go to Lagoon. Well, most everyone was on board, but not everyone went on board. The trip ultimately fell to 3 people; Stephen, Jacob and Myself ended up going, and Nicole joined us for a bit along with her sister and another friend. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing but it's more fun with more people.
Anyways, The day at lagoon started with Stephen, Jacob and Myself. We got there at about 10:30 or 11 am, and were ahead of Nicole, so we decided to go on some rides before she got there. We started by tackling the White Roller Coaster. It was fun, actually for me it was a blast since it was my first time on a roller coaster in over 8 years, and 4 since my last visit to Lagoon. We then decided to go on the Wild Mouse, in which Stephen hurt himself in. We then proceeded to the Music Express. This is a ride in which people of a party sit in a cart as the cars ride in a circle forcing all the people to move to the outer edges and squish the person who got in last. Well, its a fun ride, unless you're 3 grown dudes... 3 grown single male men... it got awkward real fast. Oh! Stephen was in the middle, that was fun.
After that Nicole and her sister, Gypsy (seriously, that's her name... I think), joined us. We started out by going in the Centennial Screamer... in separate cars. Centrifugal Force in not cool with men, and Nicole didn't want any of us (mostly me) straddling her sister. After that we went on the Wicked, which was amazing, and the then we went on the Spider and the Wild Mouse again. The Wild Mouse was too wild for me... it made me knuckle my crotch... that was harsh.
At that point we decided to take a break and go eat some food, we took the Gondolas... I was by myself. Sadness... Here's a picture of me riding by myself, Courtesy of Jacob.
And here's one of Jacob and Stephen in the one behind me.
We ate at Arby's had some laughs, I got emotional, and found out Gypsy's friend Jed was ditched by his friends (eventually we find out it was his family that ditched him) and then decided to go on some more rides. We decided to start out small, Jet Star 2; now a brief description of the seating arrangements of the ride. 3 seats, 2 people per seat, straddling involved. in our group, 6 people, 4 dudes and 2 chicks. That's enough for now. So we get in line, and start talking until Stephen does the math I just did and explains it to us, Gypsy will go with Jed (doesn't want to get straddled by strangers) and Stephen calls dibs on Nicole. Jacob and I get stuck with each other. I decided if there's any male-to-male straddling going on I would do the straddling, so I sit in the back and Jacob in the... uh, front of the seat. So the ride starts, Jacob and I keep good male-to-male distance until the ride stops and breaks abruptly, it got real awkward, real fast. After a short pause and minute or two of walking around we decided to hit up the Rocket: Re-Entry. That was a blast (that horrible pun was intended), mostly because Jacob was singing, which was cool and funny. Oh, I also hurt my crotch trying to get down off the ride, see the seats have this little piece of material in between the legs to prevent you from falling off, well it was high and I didn't clear it.
We then proceeded to have quite an experience in line for the Samurai. In line we were surrounded in all fronts, in front of us was some random guy who kept trying to join our conversations at random. Behind us in line was a group of shirtless, sweaty, hairy, and drunk frat boys. The continued to heckle us, be annoying and were easily entertained by Jacob's Newman shirt and Nicole's tattoo. Eventually we made it to the ride, had a blast and separated ourselves from such company. At this point Nicole, Gypsy, and Jed decided to take a break and ultimately broke off from the group. Once again it was just Stephen, Jacob and myself. We got in line for the Hydro-Luge, and decided to avoid unnecessary male-to-male straddling and went on separate luges.
Me then headed to Rattle Snake Rapids, but the line was horribly wrong. We waited for about 30 to 45 minutes. We had some interesting conversations and played Deserted Island. Eventually we made it... but we felt guilty. Ginormous line behind us and only 3 of us in the raft... we need more people to make that ride awesome!! Anyways, to continue our journey we headed back to the other side of the park and dried up by going on the Tidal Wave and Turn of the Century. We then finished our Trilogy of Wetness by going on the Cliffhanger, where two things happened, Jacob was separated from us by the ride operator and Stephen and Jacob were told to get their hands restamped or else they would be escorted out of the park... in case you couldn't tell, the stamps had been wiped pretty clean off of their hands. We then went on the Colossus/Fire Dragon which virtually had no line to it, and in which Jacob almost blacked out... I feared for. I was going to sit next to him but the ride almost started going so I sat where it was easiest to sit in... next to Stephen.
We decided to then finish the day off by going on one last ride, The Wicked, yet again. Even better the second time around (if you know what I mean) and well worth the wait.
Overall that was the day, there were plenty of That's What She Said Jokes and If You Know What I mean Jokes too. there was plenty of awkward silences and conversation. And we talked about Jacob's mouth when he's on the phone. There's a lot more than can't be put on here, not cause it's dirty or private, but because that's just the way it is.
Straddling Jacob.
Anyways, The day at lagoon started with Stephen, Jacob and Myself. We got there at about 10:30 or 11 am, and were ahead of Nicole, so we decided to go on some rides before she got there. We started by tackling the White Roller Coaster. It was fun, actually for me it was a blast since it was my first time on a roller coaster in over 8 years, and 4 since my last visit to Lagoon. We then decided to go on the Wild Mouse, in which Stephen hurt himself in. We then proceeded to the Music Express. This is a ride in which people of a party sit in a cart as the cars ride in a circle forcing all the people to move to the outer edges and squish the person who got in last. Well, its a fun ride, unless you're 3 grown dudes... 3 grown single male men... it got awkward real fast. Oh! Stephen was in the middle, that was fun.
After that Nicole and her sister, Gypsy (seriously, that's her name... I think), joined us. We started out by going in the Centennial Screamer... in separate cars. Centrifugal Force in not cool with men, and Nicole didn't want any of us (mostly me) straddling her sister. After that we went on the Wicked, which was amazing, and the then we went on the Spider and the Wild Mouse again. The Wild Mouse was too wild for me... it made me knuckle my crotch... that was harsh.
At that point we decided to take a break and go eat some food, we took the Gondolas... I was by myself. Sadness... Here's a picture of me riding by myself, Courtesy of Jacob.
And here's one of Jacob and Stephen in the one behind me.
We ate at Arby's had some laughs, I got emotional, and found out Gypsy's friend Jed was ditched by his friends (eventually we find out it was his family that ditched him) and then decided to go on some more rides. We decided to start out small, Jet Star 2; now a brief description of the seating arrangements of the ride. 3 seats, 2 people per seat, straddling involved. in our group, 6 people, 4 dudes and 2 chicks. That's enough for now. So we get in line, and start talking until Stephen does the math I just did and explains it to us, Gypsy will go with Jed (doesn't want to get straddled by strangers) and Stephen calls dibs on Nicole. Jacob and I get stuck with each other. I decided if there's any male-to-male straddling going on I would do the straddling, so I sit in the back and Jacob in the... uh, front of the seat. So the ride starts, Jacob and I keep good male-to-male distance until the ride stops and breaks abruptly, it got real awkward, real fast. After a short pause and minute or two of walking around we decided to hit up the Rocket: Re-Entry. That was a blast (that horrible pun was intended), mostly because Jacob was singing, which was cool and funny. Oh, I also hurt my crotch trying to get down off the ride, see the seats have this little piece of material in between the legs to prevent you from falling off, well it was high and I didn't clear it.
We then proceeded to have quite an experience in line for the Samurai. In line we were surrounded in all fronts, in front of us was some random guy who kept trying to join our conversations at random. Behind us in line was a group of shirtless, sweaty, hairy, and drunk frat boys. The continued to heckle us, be annoying and were easily entertained by Jacob's Newman shirt and Nicole's tattoo. Eventually we made it to the ride, had a blast and separated ourselves from such company. At this point Nicole, Gypsy, and Jed decided to take a break and ultimately broke off from the group. Once again it was just Stephen, Jacob and myself. We got in line for the Hydro-Luge, and decided to avoid unnecessary male-to-male straddling and went on separate luges.
Me then headed to Rattle Snake Rapids, but the line was horribly wrong. We waited for about 30 to 45 minutes. We had some interesting conversations and played Deserted Island. Eventually we made it... but we felt guilty. Ginormous line behind us and only 3 of us in the raft... we need more people to make that ride awesome!! Anyways, to continue our journey we headed back to the other side of the park and dried up by going on the Tidal Wave and Turn of the Century. We then finished our Trilogy of Wetness by going on the Cliffhanger, where two things happened, Jacob was separated from us by the ride operator and Stephen and Jacob were told to get their hands restamped or else they would be escorted out of the park... in case you couldn't tell, the stamps had been wiped pretty clean off of their hands. We then went on the Colossus/Fire Dragon which virtually had no line to it, and in which Jacob almost blacked out... I feared for. I was going to sit next to him but the ride almost started going so I sat where it was easiest to sit in... next to Stephen.
We decided to then finish the day off by going on one last ride, The Wicked, yet again. Even better the second time around (if you know what I mean) and well worth the wait.
Overall that was the day, there were plenty of That's What She Said Jokes and If You Know What I mean Jokes too. there was plenty of awkward silences and conversation. And we talked about Jacob's mouth when he's on the phone. There's a lot more than can't be put on here, not cause it's dirty or private, but because that's just the way it is.
Straddling Jacob.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I see them, I don't see you
So lately stress kills me, it sucks. New early morning job and lack of time to do anything as well. I want to go hang myself at times. Well part of that stress is dating... or lack of. You know what I mean?
Apart from not dating, part of the stress comes from the girls I choose; I'm a good matchmaker, just not for myself. The problem with girls divides into one of three things;
1; She likes me, but she reminds me of bad times,
2; I like her, but she's already taken,
3; I like her, but when I see her I don't see her.
Now the first is a bit harsh, considering that I should take a chance and maybe I'll like her or something of the like, but it's hard to see a person and instead of seeing her you see an ex or you feel things like hate and disgust. Last time I checked, feelings of disgust were not a good foundation for a relationship.
The second is an obvious thing, and I hate falling for girls that are taken, I absolutely loathe finding out that information, for that reason I stop talking to girls period, at least when I'm romantically interested.
the third is the hardest, and a bit hard to explain because it has a lot of variables. Some things are just seeing a face that reminds me of an ex or it reminds me of a person I dislike.
Another problem in the same category is that I don't see a person, I see them and I think of the people they give attention to, the people they listen to and the people they seem to like. The say they like me, but I'm treated like I don't exist around these people. I tend to get tired, jealous and depressed when this happens.
As I see it there's only one solution to this, to just stop liking girls. I'll stop it and everything will be fixed... right?
P.S. I spelled People, Poeple 5 times by accident. Yay spell check!
P.S.S. I'm going to be deleting a hell of a lot of Posts over the next couple of days. Keeping the best of the best. Only what matters to me.
Apart from not dating, part of the stress comes from the girls I choose; I'm a good matchmaker, just not for myself. The problem with girls divides into one of three things;
1; She likes me, but she reminds me of bad times,
2; I like her, but she's already taken,
3; I like her, but when I see her I don't see her.
Now the first is a bit harsh, considering that I should take a chance and maybe I'll like her or something of the like, but it's hard to see a person and instead of seeing her you see an ex or you feel things like hate and disgust. Last time I checked, feelings of disgust were not a good foundation for a relationship.
The second is an obvious thing, and I hate falling for girls that are taken, I absolutely loathe finding out that information, for that reason I stop talking to girls period, at least when I'm romantically interested.
the third is the hardest, and a bit hard to explain because it has a lot of variables. Some things are just seeing a face that reminds me of an ex or it reminds me of a person I dislike.
Another problem in the same category is that I don't see a person, I see them and I think of the people they give attention to, the people they listen to and the people they seem to like. The say they like me, but I'm treated like I don't exist around these people. I tend to get tired, jealous and depressed when this happens.
As I see it there's only one solution to this, to just stop liking girls. I'll stop it and everything will be fixed... right?
P.S. I spelled People, Poeple 5 times by accident. Yay spell check!
P.S.S. I'm going to be deleting a hell of a lot of Posts over the next couple of days. Keeping the best of the best. Only what matters to me.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Some Short Dialogue
So lately I've been having some really random ideas that turn into two character pieces of dialogue. Kind dumb stuff, some of it is funny some of it isn't (to be fair, I've only done 2 so far). Anyways, I'm loving these little thing. In case you haven't seen them or anything I usually post them as my status on Facebook.com, and some people seem to like them. I do. I'm thinking of making them into little comics, maybe add some continuity and some characters.
This is just a Line I wrote, but I wanted to put it in here since it started the whole tid-bit.
"Your beauty is comparable only by the brightness of brightly lit lights on a cloudless night sky."
This one is the first real conversation, inspired by the friend of a friend... she has evil Eyebrows.
"I don't like her eyebrows."
"Seriously, you're not dating her because of her eyebrows?"
"Pretty much, she looks diabolical, like she could poison my food."
"Can I ask her out then?"
"Sure, if you want to get poisoned and die in your sleep."
"Whatever, I gotta go sometimes, might as well be while dating THAT."
This is just another random one. I have a friend that cold turkeys his girlfriends by cutting all contact with his girlfriends when he breaks up. He basically just waits for a text saying "It's Over" and then moves on to a new girlfriend.
"so you decided to be a bastard and just not talk to her?"
"No! I just, you know, ran out of options."
"You couldn't just tell her it's over?"
"Who does that? Seriously."
"Normal people do that, it's called Breaking Up."
"... That's just stupid."
"It's normal."
"No, ignoring your girlfriend for two weeks because she didn't share a piece of cake is nor... Maybe I do have a problem."
"Ya think?"
This is just a Line I wrote, but I wanted to put it in here since it started the whole tid-bit.
"Your beauty is comparable only by the brightness of brightly lit lights on a cloudless night sky."
This one is the first real conversation, inspired by the friend of a friend... she has evil Eyebrows.
"I don't like her eyebrows."
"Seriously, you're not dating her because of her eyebrows?"
"Pretty much, she looks diabolical, like she could poison my food."
"Can I ask her out then?"
"Sure, if you want to get poisoned and die in your sleep."
"Whatever, I gotta go sometimes, might as well be while dating THAT."
This is just another random one. I have a friend that cold turkeys his girlfriends by cutting all contact with his girlfriends when he breaks up. He basically just waits for a text saying "It's Over" and then moves on to a new girlfriend.
"so you decided to be a bastard and just not talk to her?"
"No! I just, you know, ran out of options."
"You couldn't just tell her it's over?"
"Who does that? Seriously."
"Normal people do that, it's called Breaking Up."
"... That's just stupid."
"It's normal."
"No, ignoring your girlfriend for two weeks because she didn't share a piece of cake is nor... Maybe I do have a problem."
"Ya think?"
Saturday, May 23, 2009
A letter to the Deceased
I'm writing this letter in hopes that you'll read it someday. I know you won't read it here or maybe anytime soon, but I have to write it, even if it's just for me to read. There's several things I wanted to tell you, I just never found the time. Funny how time just separates people, it seems that time flew by so quickly, and now there's no time at all.
I still can't believe that its been over 3 years since we last spoke, I thank god that our last words weren't in anger, but more like "I'll see you next week". I still have that book you let me borrow, I never gave it back, my bad. I'm going to keep it now, I'll write a passage or something in it just to be sure I don't forget you, ever. I'm also sad that we don't have any photographs, although I do have memories, you know the ones, playing Legend of the Dragoon in your living room, playing on the trampoline, and when you introduced me to Gorillaz and System of a Down.
I feel like you impacted me more than I realize now that I think about it, not just the music though, but in my character. Tried to teach me to be less shy and you were the one who made me stand up for someone other than me. When people would talk about you in less than pleasant ways I would say that I didn't care, you were my friend.
I felt so sad and distant when I heard about what happened to your Father. I think what you needed then was a friend, someone to listen, and I wasn't anywhere near. I cried alongside you though, in spirit. I cried for you too, I hadn't cried in a while, it was harder than I thought it was.
Even though I hadn't seen you in such a long time, it felt like it was just yesterday that we were on the trampoline and when you lent me that book. I hope you find someway to read this, or that you get the message in some way. Visit me man, even if it's for a brief moment in my dreams, I want to say Good Bye to you, face to face.
I still can't believe that its been over 3 years since we last spoke, I thank god that our last words weren't in anger, but more like "I'll see you next week". I still have that book you let me borrow, I never gave it back, my bad. I'm going to keep it now, I'll write a passage or something in it just to be sure I don't forget you, ever. I'm also sad that we don't have any photographs, although I do have memories, you know the ones, playing Legend of the Dragoon in your living room, playing on the trampoline, and when you introduced me to Gorillaz and System of a Down.
I feel like you impacted me more than I realize now that I think about it, not just the music though, but in my character. Tried to teach me to be less shy and you were the one who made me stand up for someone other than me. When people would talk about you in less than pleasant ways I would say that I didn't care, you were my friend.
I felt so sad and distant when I heard about what happened to your Father. I think what you needed then was a friend, someone to listen, and I wasn't anywhere near. I cried alongside you though, in spirit. I cried for you too, I hadn't cried in a while, it was harder than I thought it was.
Even though I hadn't seen you in such a long time, it felt like it was just yesterday that we were on the trampoline and when you lent me that book. I hope you find someway to read this, or that you get the message in some way. Visit me man, even if it's for a brief moment in my dreams, I want to say Good Bye to you, face to face.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Watchmen Soundtrack Review [4.5 out of 5]
So, I recently received the Watchmen Soundtrack as a gift from my Uncle, he knows that I love OST's and just gave it to me out of the blue. I listened to it and felt somewhat compelled to tell you all my idea's and thoughts on the Soundtrack, not the movie. Keep in mind that there are TWO soundtracks; The first is the Music from the Motion Film (the one I received, it has the music) and the Official Score for the Motion Film, which is the background instrumental music. The Score is done by the same person who did the music for the film 300, also by the same director. Anyways, Enjoy.
Watchmen, an epic graphic novel of a what if universe in which masked vigilantes are active and actually affect history. This glorious and highly praised novel was later adapted to a Motion Picture directed by Zack Snyder, who also directed 300. The film was accompanied by a very good score of music by Tyler Bates, but it was also complimented by a very great collection of music that has managed to withstand the battle of time. In my opinion, this soundtrack rivals that of a Quentin Tarantino soundtrack.
Starting off on a down note, this soundtrack is relatively small in comparison to other soundtracks an albums. Where a normal album now contains an average of 16 songs, this soundtrack holds on 12 songs. Some notably missing songs are 99 Luftballons by Nena, Take a Bow By Muse and The Beginning Is the End Is the Beginning by Smashing Pumpkins, the latter two of the three used for the first two trailers that were released.
Now, one of the best things of this album is how old most of the music is. A lot of them range from the 1930's, such as Unforgettable, up to the 1970's, like Along the Watchtower. This album feels like a collection of defining music and if the music is not from the period then it doesn't quite break the slower pace of the music with songs like Pruit Igoe & Prophecies. Another of the downsides to this album is the very first track is a cover of Bob Dylan's Desolation Row which is covered by My Chemical Romance. For Dylan affionadoes this might be off putting since the song is of a much faster pace and feels overall out of place in the soundtrack. To some of the younger listeners this might prove to be an upside; I personally could have done without the song.
Another great feature of this album is that the songs are updated to 5.1 sound for the film. If you listen to it on computer speakers or an older CD player, then you don't really hear it (I don't since I use my computer), but the audio quality is definitely great. I've used the song The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel to test this. I have the original "The Graduate" soundtrack, and Sounds of Silence [2001 re-issue] album, both of which feature the song. The sound is definitely crisper and better on the Watchmen soundtrack than it is on either of the two latter albums.
Although I would've loved to have the three named missing tracks in place of the My Chemical Romance cover, this is still a great album. I would highly reccomend it to anyone who's seen the film, or just enjoys a classic collection of music. If I were to rate this I would give it 4.5 stars out of 5. Definite props to the digital upgrade treatment, but thumbs down on the out of place MCR cover in the album and its relatively small track number.
Track Listing
Desolation Row - My Chemical Romance
Unforgettable - Nat King Cole
The Time's they are A-Changing - Bob Dylan
The Sound of Silence - Simon and Garfunkel
Me and Bobby McGee - Janis Joplin
I'm Your Boogie Man - K.C. and the Sunshine Gang
You're my Thrill - Billie Holiday
Pruit Igoe & Prophecies - The Philip Glass Ensemble
Hallelujah - Leonard Cohen
All Along the Watchtower - Jimi Hendrix
Ride of the Valkyries - Budapest Symphony Orchestra
Pirate Jenny - Nina Simone
In Case You Were Wondering...
The creepy organic music you hear in the trailers is the song Pruit Igoe & Prophecies by The Philip Glass Ensemble.
All Along the Watchtower is originally a Bob Dylan song covered by Jimi Hendrix, Dylan has publicly stated that he prefers Hendrix's version over his own.
Although not all played by him, this album features a total of 3 Bob Dylan songs.
This is only the second album to be allowed the use of the song The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel since the film "The Graduate".
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Shiny New Toy
A shiny new toy on the shelves,
everyone wants it, but no one
can buy it. No commercials, no
ads it is simply there and no one
can buy it.
Three months ago I saw you,
browsing through the store;
After that I bought you and
held you, but now your on my
shelve after three weeks.
In three months I will find
another toy, and three weeks
after it will be shelved too.
I'll continue this process
with the utmost guilt.
I will hate myself for it,
but here's the thing.
I'll never stop it.
everyone wants it, but no one
can buy it. No commercials, no
ads it is simply there and no one
can buy it.
Three months ago I saw you,
browsing through the store;
After that I bought you and
held you, but now your on my
shelve after three weeks.
In three months I will find
another toy, and three weeks
after it will be shelved too.
I'll continue this process
with the utmost guilt.
I will hate myself for it,
but here's the thing.
I'll never stop it.
The Train
The whistle blows so low and quiet,
the morning fog covers the tracks;
no one knows where it goes
or when it returns or when
it goes to its secret destination.
I bought my ticket, it was free,
but not everyone can purchase
one, not the rich nor the poor.
Only the brave can buy it.
I boarded the train, I was
alone in the car. The conductor
was there, she talked to me and
took my pass for the train.
Watching the trees going by,
passing trains that I can no longer
board, I am bound to this train.
I do not know where it is going
and that scares. Bound to a train
with no destination.
It will not stop, I don't know if it
speeds up or slows down; only
that it goes forward. I want to get
off, I just can't talk to the conductor.
the morning fog covers the tracks;
no one knows where it goes
or when it returns or when
it goes to its secret destination.
I bought my ticket, it was free,
but not everyone can purchase
one, not the rich nor the poor.
Only the brave can buy it.
I boarded the train, I was
alone in the car. The conductor
was there, she talked to me and
took my pass for the train.
Watching the trees going by,
passing trains that I can no longer
board, I am bound to this train.
I do not know where it is going
and that scares. Bound to a train
with no destination.
It will not stop, I don't know if it
speeds up or slows down; only
that it goes forward. I want to get
off, I just can't talk to the conductor.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
My Friend Stephen and Poetry
I have a friend name Stephen. He's a pretty cool guy, and lately he has been an awesome friend. A guy I talk to and joke around with sometimes, and a darn good improv duo as well. Well, he's a poet. Literally. He writes poetry and (I assume) receives compensation for such poetry. He was recently the featured poet on an online website that has great poetry on it. He also went to school as an English major and received his Bachelor's Degree. I think he majored in Creative Writing, correct me if I'm wrong.
Anyways, back on track.
Two weeks ago he was asking for people to review some of his poems before he submitted them in to magazines, websites and other poet submission places. I volunteered, thinking this would be a good way to sample his work without looking like a stalker googling his name, and I was quite pleased with what I read. He sent me four poems; "Art and Experience", "Chastity", "Grandpa Bradford" and "The Actor".
All great poems and mostly dark and somewhat depressing (I love dark and sarcastic writings). They all seemed rather odd to me as well. Now, I've always been told that I have a knack for the English language, That I'm a great (but rough) writer, and that I certainly have the imagination to write great literature. People always told me to major in English in college, but I never really felt like it was my thing. So, knowing the little tidbit, I didn't understand the structure of his poems. I always thought poetry was rhyming, story telling, and the typical Dr. Seuss kind of thing, that's what I grew up with thinking it was poetry (and still is to me). His poetry didn't rhyme, sometimes it did, but I'm not sure if it was on purpose or if it was my subconscious making it rhyme.
I think I understood the structure, 5 stanzas was all I really understood. If I'm correct, which I doubt, the point of those poems were more of a creative and dark sarcasm story, not really rhyming. This was a bit of a shocker and a little out of my poetic comfort zone of cats in hats and grinches.
I think I could understand it if I ask him to explain it, but one thing did happen (apart from obvious poetic structure confusion), I became poetic for last several days. I keep thinking in stanzas, looking for rhymes, thinking of metaphors and similes, and just thinking... poetically.
I will probably start putting up some more poems, I already have some stuff, but looking back, it looks and sounds cheesy. I like the creative stuff Stephen, but I don't want to emulate him completely. Just enough that I can add my own flavoring.
I want to quote one of his poems that I read to close this post; Here is a line or two from his poem "Art and Experience", enjoy.
“I didn’t know he had such a way with words.”
-- Stephen Bradford
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Smart Boy or Stupid Man
I am known for making mistakes. I've made small mistakes and large ones, I've sent wrong information to mass amounts of people, led girls on, wrote on the test square that says "do not write here", and even insulted a person here and there (though hardly on purpose). But many people don't know that I walk tall. I can admit that I've made a mistake; I will hold my head up high, look you in the eyes, and I will tell you "I am wrong, I know it and will do what it takes to fix it."
We can always try to fix something, but it's hard. Sometimes it is too late, its not enough or simply enough the damage is permanent. I know this and try to avoid it when possible, but I tend to fail at that sometimes. I can try to send the correct message, apologize and clarify to girls, erase the pencil in the box and beg for forgiveness from people. I know though that not always the action is enough, you need to have meaning for it or else it is as good as saying or doing nothing. Even with meaning the memory remains; people still feel deceived, the trust is gone, that person has wasted time and you can still see the smudges on the test paper's box.
The problem with people is that, we are all people. We all can rely on never relying on one another. I am not talking about trust, but am talking about never knowing how a person will react and how they will remember the mistake. Will they yell and cry, or will they simply ignore the event, message or smudge. Will people laugh at the memory in the future, or will the remember the feeling of being deceived. Or will it be a mix of any of the choices? or will it be one of the thousands of possibilities that were left unnamed.
Now even before all of this there is the part of one of two; being the smart boy who stands tall or the stupid man who prides himself. Let me start by explaining the two, starting with the boy.
The smart boy is a person who knows the mistake, even if he realizes it too late. The boy will do whatever it takes and whatever possible to fix and correct his errors. The boy knows what he did and stands tall, toe to toe with whomever and will admit his fault. He is neither proud nor disappointed by his mistakes or how he addresses the problem.
The stupid man is a person who commits mistakes regardless of whether or he knows the outcome or repercussions. He not always knows when or if he's committed an error of some sort. When he finally does know he tries to either fix it and prides himself in his effort to correct his wrong, also regardless of whether or not he's truly corrected his wrong. The other is that the man won't fix it but will admit his wrong and will be proud of it. He will be proud of either the mistake or the fact that he admitted it. Either way, he is proud of what he has done.
Now what is your take on this? Are you the boy or the man? Who would you say I am?
Please I want to know your opinions.
We can always try to fix something, but it's hard. Sometimes it is too late, its not enough or simply enough the damage is permanent. I know this and try to avoid it when possible, but I tend to fail at that sometimes. I can try to send the correct message, apologize and clarify to girls, erase the pencil in the box and beg for forgiveness from people. I know though that not always the action is enough, you need to have meaning for it or else it is as good as saying or doing nothing. Even with meaning the memory remains; people still feel deceived, the trust is gone, that person has wasted time and you can still see the smudges on the test paper's box.
The problem with people is that, we are all people. We all can rely on never relying on one another. I am not talking about trust, but am talking about never knowing how a person will react and how they will remember the mistake. Will they yell and cry, or will they simply ignore the event, message or smudge. Will people laugh at the memory in the future, or will the remember the feeling of being deceived. Or will it be a mix of any of the choices? or will it be one of the thousands of possibilities that were left unnamed.
Now even before all of this there is the part of one of two; being the smart boy who stands tall or the stupid man who prides himself. Let me start by explaining the two, starting with the boy.
The smart boy is a person who knows the mistake, even if he realizes it too late. The boy will do whatever it takes and whatever possible to fix and correct his errors. The boy knows what he did and stands tall, toe to toe with whomever and will admit his fault. He is neither proud nor disappointed by his mistakes or how he addresses the problem.
The stupid man is a person who commits mistakes regardless of whether or he knows the outcome or repercussions. He not always knows when or if he's committed an error of some sort. When he finally does know he tries to either fix it and prides himself in his effort to correct his wrong, also regardless of whether or not he's truly corrected his wrong. The other is that the man won't fix it but will admit his wrong and will be proud of it. He will be proud of either the mistake or the fact that he admitted it. Either way, he is proud of what he has done.
Now what is your take on this? Are you the boy or the man? Who would you say I am?
Please I want to know your opinions.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Death; My lack of closure.
Closure, It's something I hardly ever achieve, and yet, it is something that always comes hand in hand with death for me. I've never had closure whenever I've had death. It's my curse and I hate it.
My Grandpa died when I was a small child, I was his favorite; I can't remember anything of him but his face and that's because I have a painting of it. I don't have memories, dreams or anything to remember him by, but stories from other people. I don't remember the funeral, I've never been to his grave and as stupid and cliche as it sounds, I never said Goodbye. I was no more than three years old, but I still didn't say goodbye nor will I ever be able to.
After that my Grandmother died in '08. It's recent and I still feel the cold empty feeling I had the day I heard about it. She loved so much my mom once said "There is only one other person who can love you as much as I and that's your grandma", yet I hardly talked to her and never was able to visit her in Mexico. Last time I called her I told her I loved her and that I would visit whenever I got my Visa, that has yet to happen. She died two months after that conversation. I was too busy with 12DP that I wasn't able to take five minutes to call and tell her I loved her. I hated myself so much for that. What hurts the most is the I still can't and haven't been able to visit her grave, I never even knew what she died of or went to the funeral.
When she died I didn't feel too terribly sad or anything at first. My mom said it was because I wasn't close enough to her anymore to really feel the pain. It took me about a week after that I broke down while going to sleep. After that, I felt nothing yet again. Cold and Heartless is how I would've described myself for the next several weeks that passed.
Today (1-20-2009) my uncle was found dead in his home. He drowned or something, no one wants to talk and tell me the details, we loved him all so much. Yet once again I didn't get a chance to tell him goodbye, I hadn't even seen him for what seems like years, and it has been years. He died and I don't really feel anything again and I hate myself for it. I loved him, he was great. I don't want to cry, I don't want support, but I don't want to be alone. I want to talk, but I don't want to talk to people. I feel rattled. I feel angry, sad and indifferent all at once. I can only hope that I make it to his funeral, maybe then I 'll have some sort of closure, even if I didn't get to say goodbye,
That's one thing I envy you Americans for, the ability to go in and out of this country whenever you please. You can go anywhere for a funeral and to visit grandparents and such, but because of the immigration laws I haven't really seen my relatives in over 13 years. I couldn't go to funerals, to say goodbye (or hello for that matter), or just for a friendly visit. You people moan and whine because you have to go visit family, I would kill to be able to visit my family on the holidays; but then again, it's never enough for any of us, huh? I can talk to my uncles via computer, yet I still ask for more. I'm guilty of it too, but whatever.
I'll never have true closure and none of us will ever have enough to be truly be happy.
We're so damn greedy aren't we?
My Grandpa died when I was a small child, I was his favorite; I can't remember anything of him but his face and that's because I have a painting of it. I don't have memories, dreams or anything to remember him by, but stories from other people. I don't remember the funeral, I've never been to his grave and as stupid and cliche as it sounds, I never said Goodbye. I was no more than three years old, but I still didn't say goodbye nor will I ever be able to.
After that my Grandmother died in '08. It's recent and I still feel the cold empty feeling I had the day I heard about it. She loved so much my mom once said "There is only one other person who can love you as much as I and that's your grandma", yet I hardly talked to her and never was able to visit her in Mexico. Last time I called her I told her I loved her and that I would visit whenever I got my Visa, that has yet to happen. She died two months after that conversation. I was too busy with 12DP that I wasn't able to take five minutes to call and tell her I loved her. I hated myself so much for that. What hurts the most is the I still can't and haven't been able to visit her grave, I never even knew what she died of or went to the funeral.
When she died I didn't feel too terribly sad or anything at first. My mom said it was because I wasn't close enough to her anymore to really feel the pain. It took me about a week after that I broke down while going to sleep. After that, I felt nothing yet again. Cold and Heartless is how I would've described myself for the next several weeks that passed.
Today (1-20-2009) my uncle was found dead in his home. He drowned or something, no one wants to talk and tell me the details, we loved him all so much. Yet once again I didn't get a chance to tell him goodbye, I hadn't even seen him for what seems like years, and it has been years. He died and I don't really feel anything again and I hate myself for it. I loved him, he was great. I don't want to cry, I don't want support, but I don't want to be alone. I want to talk, but I don't want to talk to people. I feel rattled. I feel angry, sad and indifferent all at once. I can only hope that I make it to his funeral, maybe then I 'll have some sort of closure, even if I didn't get to say goodbye,
That's one thing I envy you Americans for, the ability to go in and out of this country whenever you please. You can go anywhere for a funeral and to visit grandparents and such, but because of the immigration laws I haven't really seen my relatives in over 13 years. I couldn't go to funerals, to say goodbye (or hello for that matter), or just for a friendly visit. You people moan and whine because you have to go visit family, I would kill to be able to visit my family on the holidays; but then again, it's never enough for any of us, huh? I can talk to my uncles via computer, yet I still ask for more. I'm guilty of it too, but whatever.
I'll never have true closure and none of us will ever have enough to be truly be happy.
We're so damn greedy aren't we?
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